Just checking on you... | Connecting while feeling disconnected.
I saw a post on Instagram recently that's been lingering in the back of my mind for weeks now.
https://www.instagram.com/p/B-vOdmvBIbH/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link
At the beginning of all this madness, there were a lot of Twitter threads going around likening a person's response to Covid-19 to a litmus test for relationships. The "logic" was - if a person cares for you, even in the slightest bit, they would check on you. They would call or text or DM you to make sure you were OK. We're in the middle of a global pandemic, right? A person must be pretty cold-hearted to not check in with the people that matter most, right?
I kind of agreed to this line of thought, initially. But then I scrolled across that post, and I had to check my own assumptions. For some of us, it's second nature to reach out to friends and family during times of crisis. We feel comforted by knowing that other people are experiencing what we're experiencing. But some of us have a natural tendency to turn within and process what we're going through internally before reaching out to others. There's no doubt that life is upside down, but it seems like in our relationships, our expectations might not be in line with reality.
I've been guilty of this expectation and now I'm realizing that I might have been wrong, and here's why...
Relationships require so much effort. It takes a lot of strength, resilience and self-awareness to really show up in relationships. Being a good friend, partner or family member is not a passive or singular role. You're an advisor, a business partner, a confident, a short-term loan officer, a life coach, a therapist, a pastor, a fitness instructor, a chef, a mentor, an image consultant, a comedian, a barista, an accountability partner, and the list goes on. And that can be heavy.
Part of being a good friend is knowing your own limits. It's about setting boundaries.
And sometimes that means not reaching out to someone when you know you're not in the space to really be present and to fully engage in the conversation. Because we all know what it's like when you pour your heart out to a friend only to hear that muffled "Uh huh." And we're better than that, right? We wouldn't dare put our friends on speakerphone while we clean the house in the name of multitasking, right? Of course not, because we're active and attentive listeners. :-) So this means that a person not reaching out may not mean they don't care. In fact, it might mean they care so much that they're waiting until they're able to hold space for you before they reach out.
And then, of course, there's the flip side. Maybe we're totally ready to listen. We have our tea (or other beverage of choice) ready. Our AirPods are charged. We're all ears. But then the conversation turns and our friend asks, "So, how's it going with you?" And we just can't find the words.
Relationships ask require us to share ourselves in the fullest sense. Our hopes, our fears, our lives. Right now, though, that kind of transparency may be too much to ask. Vulnerability can't exist without strength, and your friend may well be depleted. Spent. Worn out.
I'm noticing that my relationships are looking a little different these days. New patterns are emerging. I'm connecting with some people a lot more, and space has formed within relationships that were once so tight. That's ok. Because I know the best relationships are like your favorite sweatshirt. You may not wear it much, but when you put it on, it fits.